Pieces Of Me

I’ve been feeling rather split lately. Ever since my breakdown last year and getting the mental help I so desperately needed things have changed for the better, mostly. The crying has stopped, the rageful outbreaks have stopped, I can drive my car again given I’m not too fatigued to do so. I’m more the task oriented me, the one who uses lists to get through the day, who recognizes her symptoms and *tries* to head them off at the pass and I take my medication and see my therapist faithfully. But something is different too.

I asked people if I would lose the part of me that I really liked about myself if I took these meds, my sort of whimsical, sarcastic, over energetic creative spells I used to get. I called it inspiration, and when it hit, it hit HARD. I could write for days about things, I could redecorate my house, I saw the humor in EVERYTHING in life. I feel that girl is just not there anymore. I don’t laugh with the same intense joy I remember, and I don’t get the same thrill out of writing. In fact, I question if I’m even GOOD at this now.

I also wish more of my anxiety was under control. Thankfully, as mentioned before, I can drive again without inducing a panic attack, but I’m pretty much overwhelmed by most everything else. Unpacking has been a nightmare. Half a box in, I look at the remaining contents and go “nope, can’t even handle that” and I walk away. I’m in the middle of a chronic fatigue crash as well, so remaining awake and functional to do this has been crazy hard, which only heightens the anxiety and feelings of worthlessness.

I know my health and stress levels play a factor in all this because I have a huge amount on my plate. I also know that the responsible thing to do is to NOT let myself go crazy again if I can help it, to take my meds, and to care for myself and Ken as best I can. However, I cannot help but pine for that little piece of creative crazy that I lost when I decided to become normal.

 

Adjustment Period….again.

So after being in involved with my talk therapy for a few months now, and a couple visits with a new shrink as well, we’ve decided to give ADD meds a try. I’ve been wondering about if perhaps some of my struggles could have been ADD related in nature. My family certainly reeks of the classified symptoms. As a child, the idea was suggested to my parents, who didn’t want to medicate me. And I can’t say I blame them, the hype over ADD is overblown and tends to absolve the parents of any responsibility with trying to raise their children to be successful people. However, looking back, I continued to fit the profile perfectly, even with being admittedly smart, and tutoring help, classes on studying and organization, the whole nine yards, I just couldn’t get it together. It’s carried over into my adult life. And dealing with depressions and issues as I have its always been hard to tell whats this and what’s not. But its clear, I don’t respond to almost any antidepressant. So why not give it a shot right? Personally, I feel its important to continue my talk therapy, as I feel that can do me a world of good with sorting out and coping with the past and present of my life. But I’m going to accept help from the shrink as well explore this idea, Adult ADD.

I started on Concerta last week, and holy shit I was so mindblown that first day by the effects, I was practically useless. Awake, yes, able to focus on one thing for a while, yes, but feeling so spaced out and awake I didn’t sleep until 1am. And from what I’ve researched and asked about, its an extended release pill that should only last about 8 hours. Well I took it at 7am, never was able to fully get my shit together all day and was up until 1. Even after taking my Klonopin that helps my mind relax to sleep. I’ve been cutting the pill in half ever since, and things have gotten a bit better, but this is something to address with the doctor for sure.

I’ve been also working pretty consistently on understanding the settings on my camera, practice shooting, and learning some editing tricks. I’m storing my progression of this hobby on Flickr now, and I’m pretty pleased so far. It’s already been worth the investment and challenging to my mind.

I’m trying to keep up my cooking hobby as well as I can while managing all these new medication changes in my body. Lately I’ve been trying to branch out ethnically with meals in Kitchen Woodland, because we enjoy a wide range of foods, Ken and I, and I want to learn how to recreate them at home. Plus, food’s a big test subject for the camera.

Next month I will be having an outpatient surgery. After some awkward and uncomfortable tests, 10 years of symptoms and questions have revealed that while my bladder is still in the correct place (yay), the wall of my urethra is weak, making it unable to close when the muscles contract properly. This results in stress incontinence, sensitivity, and more easily introduction of bacteria into my urinary system as a whole. So, to correct it, I’m going to have tissue implants into the wall to help strengthen it and make it work properly to close the opening to the bladder with my muscle contractions. I’m looking forward to making this issue better! Of course normal worries about being put under and operated on, but its an outpatient surgery and actually pretty invasive as far as surgery is concerned. I’m learning to take things like that in stride now, I’ve had enough experience with these types of things to be able to let the positive aspects of it not way me down so much. Personal growth in stress management perhaps??