I’m pretty sure the number one question people with chronic illness get posed to them is “How to you cope?” This question spans the positions and beliefs of all of us, the spiritual and non spiritual. I happen to hold the position of being a Humanist/Atheist and I lack an acceptance of a higher power in my life.
However, we all go through the stages of grief in our illnesses in the process of acceptance of our day to day lives, and I’m no different. I still struggle, get angry, depressed, search for answers, handle my life and seek comfort. But these things may come from different sources, or surprisingly even from some of the same places. I do not pray, but I rather rely on the lessons I have discovered though my own perseverance that I can make it through the next day with the support of those around me, and inner strength to wake up each morning and face the day. I have so much here to live for, and I find that in my friends, and my family which are beautiful and here right now even if sometimes I have a bad day, or I think my illness is just never going to end. It’s motivation to make the most of the life I have before me.
Becoming ill, and with multiple illness was devastating for me. I of course had moments of irrationality in my thinking, I imagine we all do in desperation, whether its to seek God or abandon God. Day to day life can be tedious when the hits just keep coming. However, little things start to happen, that ease the blows, or you have a good cry, and you get some clarity. A good friend picks you up. You notice your pets have not abandoned you while you have been falling all over the place, or even if you’re like me you just start laughing at your misfortune because its just too funny not to. Every time I land in the hospital, my husband holds my hand and we laugh the whole time I’m on the morphine drip and make terrible jokes. Even when he has to hose me down in the hospital bathroom.
I draw the same beauty from the earth that natural law has created and I have observed, and the deeds of humans helping humans have shown me that there is good out there. I do not need a deity to show me that path, for as I was raised a Christian, it did not fulfill me in the way embarking on self exploration has in seeking out the answers and being comfortable with saying “I do not know yet, but that’s ok” has been able to. For me, it’s opened MORE doors of opportunity, not to have all the answers than to leave some sort of finality up to a divinity I cannot prove exists and who just arbitrarily hands out burdens just to “see what we will do with them.”
Not having God encourages me to live my life to its potential now, despite my illness, to find joy, love and happiness. To be kind and fair not to judge those around me. It sounds rather familiar doesn’t it? I’m not eternally bitter, nor am I without direction for my lack of faith. I’m good with this being my only existence and the hand that I’m ultimately dealt, if this means that I get to make my existence count with the beautiful people I have crossed paths with so far. There is no RIGHT way to be an Atheist, please to not misunderstand that, we are not a religion, we have no dogma, no organization and we are not all the same. We are associated by a definition in a dictionary only.
However when it comes to dealing with chronic illness, pain, emotions we all tend to turn to the same places to find comfort. That inner place in our hearts where we find support, our friends, family, the world around us in its beauty. People helping people just get through every day inspire me to get through mine all the time. That’s how I know I can get through today as well.
Owning The Crazy 