Therapy By Abe Lincoln

Sometimes the best outings are the impromptu ones. Last night I just looked at Ken and said “Let’s go out.” Not even hesitating, he nodded and said “yeah, let’s do it”. Just like that we packed my camera bag, hopped onto the metro at 7pm and headed into the city. After one transfer and some metro reminiscing we ended up at the Smithsonian station, where we just started walking and photographing the National Mall. My DLSR gave out around the Washington Monument, and I had to iPhone it from there but whatever, we were having fun. We walked the Vietnam Memorial, and ended it with sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

The Lincoln Memorial is a special place for me. I’ve spent a lot of time there day and night, sitting on those steps. Thinking about my life when i was happy, sad, anxious about things. Staring at others doing the same. The tourists, the solo people, people eating lunch on their lunch breaks. Its just one of those places where you can people watch every type of people imaginable and yet be lost in your own mind all at the same time. (and no one thinks you are insane if you run down the steps screaming JEN-NAY!!!!! and racing toward the reflecting pool. However security frowns on trying to get IN the water to meet up with the imaginary Jenny from Forrest Gump.)

We got our fill of sightseeing and tourist madness, (even met a couple willing to take a rare picture of us and is emailing it to us later!) and decided to walk to a different metro station to soak up a little more of the city before getting our grub on in Chinatown. Basically in Chinatown you just walk into a place and start eating and the place we chose had the usual chinese and sushi fare, and was pretty decent. We even went all out and split a bottle of sake. What’s nice about the city, is that kitchen’s are still booming at midnight so you can pretty much get a full meal anywhere on a Friday night, depending on what you want. We also discovered a THREE STORY WALGREENS with gourmet food in it, in case that’s of interest to anyone out there, because we were fascinated.

The impromptu night out was just what I needed to pretend I wasn’t in the pits of depression for a few hours, maybe even help me climb out with a little inspiration. That I can always come home, see my happy places and things can be ok for a few hours, when I can muster up the energy to get it together and try to get to them.

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The Ups and The Downs

So according to Social Security, they concede that I’m disabled enough to have limitations in the line of work i have been doing for the past number of years. However instead of granting me disability, they have proposed I just “get another job.” Have I mentioned that through the years I have downgraded the intensity of every single job I have had from physically lifting and moving patients around to doing nothing but sitting behind a desk, answering and checking patients in for appointments? I CANNOT GET ANYMORE PHYSICALLY LESS TAXING HERE! And when I was forced to quit my final job they were shooting me in the back with SIXTEEN INJECTIONS of lidocaine to numb me up to keep me upright in my chair so I could finish the work day. SO TELL ME SOCIAL SECURITY, WHAT JOB SUITS ME? CONSTRUCTION PERHAPS? Will that put my HS Diploma and lapsed CNA/GNA licence to good use, because that’s all the skills I have. I’m a medical worker, I know my fucking limitations thanks.

Ok, enough of that. I also just reread the last email that former friend wrote me with her ultimatums gave me, for the first time in a week. I haven’t responded to it still. It still invokes the same stomach churning upsetness it first did where I am at a loss for words at how I could possibly reply without being snarky or incredibly awful in my response, or just cry my whole way through it. I just am not at a place where I can respond at all I do not think at the moment.

Especially not in the wake of one of my best friends since I was teen getting engaged this weekend to another friend I have known of ours since I was 18! I wish them both the very very best, I cannot wait to see them start this part of their lives together, they both deserve nothing but the best. I love Christine so much, I sat in my car and almost cried when I heard the news I was so emotional about it, and I’m not even the damn person getting engaged. She is. But then again, you’d have to understand the past 15 years to get why I feel entitled to be oddly emotional for her. I could probably write a book dedicated to the shenanigans of our friendship in this really bizarre Sex in the City meets My So Called Life sort of way. I couldn’t ask for a better person to make those memories with either. I miss living around the corner from each other all the time now that we are adults and have to live adult lives now.

For reals though, Christine, if I don’t hear some Jump Around at this wedding, our friendship is going under a serious probationary evaluation. 

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